Unemployment, lack of health care, and poor economics are just a mere spec of the problems running a muck in this country, however, it has come to my attention that there is a serious epidemic that the C.D.C. has refused to acknowledge. As an American, I feel it is my civic duty to start diffusing this ticking time bomb before it gets out of hand.
Every year, right around mid November, this disease bombards my ear drums like lightning bolts from Thor’s hammer and there is no escape from it’s vile clutches. Best Buy, the mall, the men’s bathroom, you name a location, this bug is a creeping and there is no Lysol potent enough to eradicate this pest. I would love to give you the medical term for this disease, but, I am not a doctor so I will give you it’s street name; Christmas Music.
Now, I am not one to be a Scrooge by any stretch of the imagination, Heck, just this very evening, I bought Christmas lights for my bedroom. The holiday season is that of joy and splendor, but there is a serious problem with the amount of Christmas songs available for musicians to cover and quite frankly, because of the lack of material available, artists have created a much bigger monster, original pieces of Christmas tunage. Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time,” The Waitresses’ “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,” and my personal crowd pleaser, Newsong’s “Christmas Shoes” are all key components of this Christmas caroling Mighty Morphing Power Ranger musical robot of holiday devastation.
There are a few factors and counter measures as citizens of this nation we must consider and implement to control this issue, and if we all work together, can set things right in the world. Allow me to layout the ground work to our ear’s salvation.
First and foremost, any original Christmas songs must be recorded and sent to Washington D.C, where the new work will be approved by the US Senate Committee of Judiciary Oversight and Santa Clause. The music will first be played to Santa's respectful reindeer. If all of the reindeer survive without any signs of hemorrhaging in their heads and Rudolph's nose doesn't explode into a crimson mess, the song can be approved by the bureaucrats and the jolly old saint. From there, the music can be dispersed amongst the general populous by means of iTunes, CDs, radio plays, etc.
As far as the issue of covering older Christmas songs, I propose a lottery. Bands and artists must submit their name and Christmas song they want to cover to the committee. The committee will then decide a fair ratio of approved songs to be covered and randomly select the musicians until the quota is met. If you are rewarded the privilege to cover said song, you cannot apply to cover any other Christmas songs for a period no earlier than 5 years from the release of the last Christmas song you recorded, and the song cannot be recycled by any other artists for a period no early than 15 years from it’s previous release.
With these new rules in effect and in true Joe McCarthy fashion, Paul McCartney, Mariah Carey, Kenny G, Newsong, and The Waitress will be black listed from participating in the recording of any Christmas material for the remainder of their natural lives. Any attempt to record new music, the above artist will be placed on a terrorist watch list and be sternly told to "knock it off."
The terms of this deal seem rather rash, and completely infringe on everyone’s first amendment rights, but it’s the small price we all must pay to be true holiday heroes. Just drink some eggnog, you'll get over it.
Have a Happy and Safe Holiday Season
Take care of each other and stay sexy.
- JMC
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